Chocolate Zucchini Protein Loaf

Like many gardeners this time of year, I fucked around and zucchini’d too close to the sun. I am drowning in zucchs. Some are appropriately-sized. Others would give adult film stars a run for their money. Still others, I am ashamed to say, are the size of my little nephew’s tee ball bat. (July really got away from me.)

The sheer volume of zucchs piling up in our fridge was threatening to turn me into one of those harmless summer criminals well-known in small New England towns: the neighbor who leaves a pile of zucchini in driver’s seat of your unlocked car. Then, over the weekend, in a stroke of munchies-fueled stoner determination, I set my sights on Frankenstein-ing some of my favorite sweet loaf recipes (including my grandma’s cornmeal chocolate cherry loaf) into a chocolate-y, zucchini-y, 420-ready loaf of goodness. The source recipes that informed this one are the aforementioned grandma recipe, Maria Lichty’s Chocolate Zucchini Bread, and Double Chocolate Zucchini Bread from my dear friend and fellow Vermonter Melissa Griffiths. (On a related note, could we please normalize crediting other people when we’re inspired by their stuff and/or adapt their amazing creations? It doesn’t diminish your work - it grows the good vibe. The amount of work that goes into food blogging is WILD, y’all - these people are domestic heroes, IMHO, and they deserve so much more than a backlink.)

Now, without further ado, here’s the Chocolate Zucchini Protein Loaf recipe + photo (with my spindly little Train Wreck plant in the background).
Please note: a warm slice topped with smooth peanut butter + thin slices of banana is OUT OF THIS WORLD, even if you’re not stoned.
Enjoy!

Chocolate Zucchini Protein Loaf

Makes two 9×5 loaves

Tools

• Two 9×5 loaf pans

• Measuring cups & measuring spoons

• Box grater or mandoline with grater plate, or food processor with medium grater/shredder attachment

• Nut milk bag, cheesecloth, or finely-woven flour sack towel/dish towel (for squeezing liquid from zucchini)

• 1 medium bowl & 1 large bowl

• Whisk

Ingredients

• 2 cups all purpose flour + about ¼ cup for dusting

• ½ cup unsweetened cocoa powder

• ½ cup chocolate protein powder

• 2 tsp baking soda

• 1 tsp salt

• 1 tsp cinnamon

• 4 large eggs (room temp)

• ½ cup unsalted butter (melted)

• ½ cup olive oil

• 1 ½ cups dark brown sugar

• 2 tsp vanilla extract

• 3 packed cups grated/shredded zucchini, squeezed (to remove liquid)
  Note: this is about 3-4 medium zucchini [ 7” - 8” long ] or 2-3 large zucchini [ 9” inches ].

• 2 cups dark or semi-sweet chocolate chips, divided into 1 ½ cups & ½ cup amounts (you’ll see why soon)

Process

1. Preheat oven to 350°F.
   Grease two 9×5 loaf pans with butter.
   Sift or toss some flour into each of the loaf pans, rotating the pans until the flour has lightly but fully coated the interior surface of each pan.
   Tap excess flour out of the pans, and set them aside.

2. Grate/shred your zucchini using the standard-sized coarse holes on a box grater or a similar-sized grater attachment for your food processor.
   (I used the medium grater attachment for my Cuisinart food processor. Bougie? Yes. Worth it for large-batch food processing? Also yes.)

3. Using your nut milk bag, cheesecloth, or clean flour sack towel/dish towel, squeeeeeeze your prepared zucchini to remove as much liquid as humanly possible. Note that I said “humanly”, not “humanely” - give that $h!t the business. Show it who’s boss. (It’s you…you’re the boss.)

4. In a medium-sized bowl, stir together the 2 cups of AP flour, cocoa powder, chocolate protein powder, baking soda, salt, & cinnamon.
   These are your DRY ingredients.

5. In a large bowl, whisk together the eggs, melted butter, olive oil, vanilla extract, and dark brown sugar.
   Whisk until smoooooth.
   These are your WET ingredients.

6. Stir your DRY ingredients (smaller bowl) into your WET ingredients (bigger bowl) until well-blended but not stirred to death.
   Then, stir your 3 cups of zucchini and only 1 ½ cups of the chocolate chips into your combined WET/DRY mixture (aka, your batter).
   VERY IMPORTANT! : Reserve your final ½ cup of chocolate chips!

7. Pour your batter into the prepared loaf pans, dividing the batter so an equal amount is in each pan.
   Sprinkle the remaining half-cup of chocolate chips over the top of the bread, distributing them as evenly as you can.
   Note: don’t get too artistic about this…otherwise the chips will start to sink before the loaf starts to set in the oven.

8. Bake for 50-60 minutes. (I baked for 50, but had to pop it back in for another 10. If your zucchini-drying skills are better, 50 minutes might do it for ya.)
   Insert a skewer, toothpick, or small sharp knife into the loaf to check for doneness. If the tool comes out clean, your loaf is done. If it comes out with a little chocolate on it, you may just have hit a chocolate chip - try again in a few places near the centerline of the loaf, just checking to make sure your loaf insides aren’t totally gooey. Use your best judgement to decide whether an additional 10 minutes is needed.

9. Remove your pans from the oven and cool for 15-20 minutes on a wire rack or a wooden cutting board on the countertop.
   After 15 minutes, carefully flip the loaf pans upside down and tap the bottoms. The loaves should easily fall from the pans onto an awaiting cutting board. If they don’t, run a sharp knife along the outside edge of the pans to better loosen the loaves.
   Flip the loaves right side up to finish cooling until just barely warm to the touch (and so you don’t overly squish your chocolate chip topping).

10. Cut into hearty slices, serve, and enjoy!
    Note: thin slices won’t do here - the delicate texture and moisture content of this loaf practically demands a ¾”+ slice.
    Serving suggestions: slightly warmed, topped with butter; spread with peanut butter; spread with peanut butter and topped with banana slices; or á la mode, with your fave ice cream. We had it every which’a’way and I can’t choose a favorite. They’re all my favorite!
    
    This bread can in theory be kept fresh on the countertop for 4-5 days, and maybe a day or two longer in the fridge, and for up to a month in the freezer…but it’s not going to last that long. Our two loaves barely made it to breakfast on Day 5. I felt gluttonous but had zero regrets.
    
    For my fellow 420 friends: yes, you absolutely can use cannabutter in place of unsalted butter…but I have no clue how to gauge dosage per slice for this recipe. Nomnom at your own risk! Enjoy!